During an NST that I didn't know or didn't remember I was going to have yesterday morning, I sneaked a peek at my chart.
Vaginal spotting (none since 12 weeks)
Bicornuate uterus — [something I couldn't decipher except for the word "LEFT"]
Placenta previa — RESOLVED
The woman on the other side of the not-so-private privacy curtain from me was 32 weeks pregnant with identical twin girls. I wondered if this was how she'd imagined her pregnancy (high-risk, highly managed) and noticed that we had similar taste in toenail polish. The nurse was giving her quite a lecture for how swollen she was.
The nurse moved on to me, and beamed at the printout from the fetal monitor. "Beautiful."
Why am I even here? I wanted to ask. Instead, I just smiled weakly.
When all of this started, I didn't expect that I would still be having regular perinatologist appointments this late in my pregnancy. I guess I assumed that in the same way you can "risk out" of midwifery care, I would "low-risk out" of my high-risk OB office. Instead, it seems like every normal result and straight-A test just wins me another series of appointments.
Yesterday, my skinny baby had caught up to herself. She had a massive growth spurt over the past two weeks, and her tummy measurement is back up. Ultrasound measurements estimated she now weighs almost 7-1/2 lbs. This is fabulous news!
But not fabulous enough (apparently) to get me out of four more non-stress tests and two more ultrasounds.
I am extremely conflicted about all of this. I am so grateful, so over the moon every time one of my care providers tells me that the baby and I are doing great, everything looks perfectly normal and healthy. I feel like I've won the pregnancy lottery!
And at the same time, I am so tired of being monitored. Everything is all right, but my treatment plan suggests it could go wrong at any time.
I've already passed this test, I want to scream. Why do I have to take it again!?
* * *
My midwives are going to do the non-stress tests (though they probably won't do four of them). This is preferable, as I would rather hang out in the midwives' office.
And the ultrasounds?
"You could just cancel them," Rob suggested.
That honestly never occurred to me.