Contraception Reflections

At my recent midwife appointment, Beth asked if this was going to be my last baby.

My first thought was Yes.

Then, No.

Probably?

I hope not.

I said, "Uh...maybe?"

If it were up to Rob and Rob alone, we would be done. In a few months, we will have two children, and for him, that is enough. Rob is an only, and I imagine that in his world, two must seem like a tremendous lot. And a huge unknown.

I am the older of two, and the daughter of a mother (also an only child) who always wanted about eight children. For me, two is the norm. But it also seems more like a potential beginning than a final answer.

* * *

I was absolutely astounded when I turned on the radio several months ago and heard that conservative politicians were discussing women's right to choose whether to use birth control. It seemed unfathomable that in 2012, anyone was pushing to re-litigate contraception. And yet...

Women weighed in on the conversation with various points about health and safety. I wanted someone to say, "Women need contraception because we like having sex!"

I like having sex. The person I have sex with right now just happens to have body parts that can make a baby with me. I definitely want to have sex much more often than I want to get pregnant. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one in this situation!

* * *

My biggest fear after Westley was born—even bigger than "I will kill the baby"—was that I would get pregnant again right away. This seemed entirely possible, as my sex drive returned like crazy NINE DAYS after giving birth. (I got my first postpartum period six months later, despite what seemed like near-constant breast feeding.)

When Westley was two months old, I had a copper (Paragard) IUD put in. It was fantastically effective in that I didn't get pregnant while it was in place despite worrying that I would. But it gave me two-week-long periods. It also contributed significantly to my chronic back pain, which I didn't even realize until I had it removed.

My second baby will be born before we know it, and I really want to have my postpartum pregnancy protection lined up. I need a birth control plan.

Once again, I'm wondering what my options really are. I don't want to use hormones, and can't anyway while breast-feeding. Diaphragms are not so great. Latex condoms make me itch and burn. Fertility Awareness is right out with a new baby. That leaves two tried and true methods: another copper IUD, and "natural membrane" condoms.

* * *

Copper IUD 

Pros: Highly effective. Put it in once and forget about it. Insurance will pay for it.

Cons: Very long periods. More cramping. Possible return of back pain.

Lambskin condoms

Pros: Feel fantastic compared to latex. I'm not allergic to them!

Cons: I GOT PREGNANT WHILE WE WERE USING THEM.

(There are other cons as well, but why bother?)

And then there's the big option. The very serious option.

Sterilization
Pros: Permanent.
Cons: Permanent.

* * *

I love the idea of being done having babies before my 30th birthday.

There's something very symbolic and narrative-seeming about that: turn 30; close the door on baby-making; move forward in life as mother of two. On the other hand, that magic age-number could just as easily be 35.

So on yet another hand, if I were going to have another child (or two), I'd need to do it relatively soon. And that really doesn't seem ideal. Caring for a preschooler while pregnant is one thing. Caring for an older baby or toddler while also growing a new baby? Would require me to somehow develop superhuman parenting powers.

I often see mothers out and about with two or more children who are close in age, and I always wonder if the parents planned it that way. There must be something to having closely-spaced children, or it wouldn't be so common.

Or maybe the whole idea of "family planning" is kind of bogus.

* * *

Last weekend, Westley and I went to Kelsey Creek Park to see the sheep being shorn for spring. There were pregnant bellies everywhere. (Off the top of my head, I can think of nine friends and acquaintances who are expecting babies, and a few more who just delivered. And Rob is one of several expectant fathers in his office. I don't know if this is one of those things like when you buy a house, and suddenly there are real estate signs everywhere: it's not necessarily that there are more, just that you're more aware of them. Perhaps there's something cosmic going on, and 2012 is just an awesome year for babies.) As Westley and I waited for the shuttle to take us back to our car at the end of the day, I noticed that, like every other adult female human at the park between the ages of 18 and 45, the woman next to us was pregnant. Except that she also had four children on the outside: two girls and two boys, in that order. Eyeing this family, I was overcome by some of the strangest envy I have ever experienced.

It's not that I want five children. (I don't think I want five children.) I like the fantasy of a large family, but I'm not sure I'm cut out for the reality of it. However, here I was, strangely longing to be this mother of four-with-one-on-the-way.

As Westley and I climbed onto the parking shuttle, which was actually a good old-fashioned school bus, my entire party fit comfortably in one seat. I had my child, myself, and snacks and supplies for the two of us for the entire day packed in one large (but not enormous) messenger bag. Easy. My moment of envy quickly transformed into concern as I wondered how I'd be able to manage an outing like this with a second child in tow. (Never mind four children.)

Maybe two is enough.

.....................................