Monday, February 13, 2012

Thirteen Weeks

Thirteen Weeks
I did NOT want my picture taken this week. Can you tell?

Well, I made it through week twelve. I thought clearing that hurdle would be my "all is well" marker, enabling me to relax and enjoy moving forward. Instead, I'm still speaking like having a baby in August is purely hypothetical: If everything works out...

Last night it came to me that I've been acting very impoverished, defining this pregnancy in terms of scarcity. I hear myself lamenting my lack of excitement; I want to be excited, but I don't feel like joyfulness is mine to claim in this situation. Then I had a vision of myself, eight months pregnant, sitting with Rob as we shared the silent realization, I guess this is really going to happen after all! Maybe we should get excited. The mental image was so completely ridiculous: "The Empress's New Maternity Clothes."

Pessimism won't make a bad outcome any easier to stomach, and distancing myself from what's happening just deprives me of the joy I'm craving. So my work this week is to approaching this pregnancy from a place of gratitude and abundance.

From the get-go, I've been trying to approach all of my unpleasant symptoms with at least a little thankfulness. This week, round ligament pain showed up. It feels like someone is pinching me from the inside. I'm also still spotting, which is not a good sign, but not necessarily a bad sign, either.

My next midwife appointment is in a couple weeks, and it cannot come soon enough! I actually miss my midwife between visits. When I see her, I turn into George Carlin's impression of a dog. She has a way of making me feel like everything is all right, regardless of what's going on. It also seems like ages since I first heard the baby's heartbeat—two and a half weeks ago. (Two weeks in pregnant-person time might as well be a month, and three weeks is eternity.) Hearing the heartbeat is magical. Rob suggested renting a Doppler, so I could listen whenever I wanted to, but that seems like enabling my paranoia.

I think about this baby all the time. I imagine the growing fetus dancing around in my uterus, but mostly I see her right at the moment of birth, a little blue in places but mostly pink and very sturdy looking.

We have begun using female pronouns exclusively when talking about this little one. Westley is absolutely certain that the baby is a girl. I thought he was having some sort of brother's intuition about it, but yesterday he explained that it's because there was "no fizz."

"We did that test with your pee and there was no fizz," he reminded me.

In addition to the red cabbage sex test, I also tried the baking soda sex test, which is not as pretty to photograph. Put a couple teaspoons of baking soda in a cup and pee into it. If the mixture fizzes, you're expecting a boy; no fizz, and it's a girl.

I explained to Westley that in a few weeks, the doctor was going to look inside me with the special baby camera again. Then we would know for sure.

But Westley insisted that we already know for sure. "There was no fizz!"

Thirteen Weeks



Mama Smith said...

Looking great! So hope that you can soon get to a place where you feel secure with the pregnancy and can allow yourself to get excited. I know how tough it can be to be vulnerable and risk heartache, but we're only pregnant a few times in this life and what a shame that so many if us spend those months fraught with worry and afraid to get too invested. I was the same way but I've seen other women who are so confident from the moment the stick dries and I think they've got it right. You're having this baby mama - celebrate!

Tara said...

Those weeks in between appointments seem like forever, don't they? I remember being so ridiculously excited and nervous every time that doppler was pulled out. I'm with you that it's probably a good idea not to have one in the house. I think I would have been checking myself every few hours and that's no way to spend 9 months. I'm sure it is difficult to relax into this pregnancy, but you definitely have the right approach. One day you won't have to remind yourself to feel gratitude and security as it will have already found a place in your heart.

autumn said...

This just confirms my need for purple pants.

candace said...

Happy 13 weeks! The emotions are difficult to gauge with #2. I know you are still wrapped up in past tragedies but the second pregnancy is way different than the first. I think because you are so busy with your outside world child that you tend to forget, or not be so excited for your inside one. There were so many times that I forgot I was pregnant because I was just so damn busy. Your joy will be uncontainable when that baby is born!

Danielle said...

Happy week 13. You look stunning by the way.

Allison the Meep said...

Lookin' good, lady!

Did you find out that Westley was a boy when you were pregnant, or did you just wait until he was born? We waited to find out with Julian, but the idea of him knowing if he'd have a brother or sister was so exciting to us that we went ahead and found out with Audrey.

Paige said...

Having gone through what you have, it seems totally normal to be hesitant... I literally took me AGES to feel comfortable this time... like 25-30 weeks. In some ways it makes me feel sad that I missed so much of the "joy" I experienced in the first 13 weeks of my last pregnancy, but it has been so rocky and stressful, that I honestly can't imagine having let go any sooner.

Cut yourself some slack- you know that the baby is loved and wanted, and it does too. It may take a while to let yourself get excited, but you still have 29 weeks to get there.

That being said, being continually kicked in the cervix/rib cage has never felt better! I am (almost) finally relaxed into this pregnancy, with only 8 weeks left to go. I have so much to do!