Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Thin, Sharp Side

Shadow walk

Something happened to me after Westley was born. Many things happened to me after Westley was born, but there is a particular thing I still encounter regularly; since learning I was pregnant again, it has only gotten worse. I find myself on the edge of tears without knowing how I got there. There is a semi-permanent lump in my throat.

Except that I rarely cry the way I would like to. The way I feel I should be able to. There's a frustration associated with it, and a missing "push." Like holding a serrated knife to a loaf of bread but not being able to begin "sawing."

Or sobbing.

The whole thing makes me feel very edgy and vulnerable, like I could collapse at the drop of a hat. I wonder if I might be just a leetle bit depressed, but my mood has been pretty fantastic!(Thanks, I think, to midwife-sanctioned mega-doses of vitamin D.) And anyway, depression isn't usually this ridiculous.

Yesterday I found myself getting choked up over an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race. Nothing particularly moving was happening—just the usual drag queen competition antics—but my chest tightened up and I felt my face go into that pre-cry grimace.

I can't watch any kind of dancing, because humans doing choreography is too much for me. Even stupid music videos make me tear up. When Westley became obsessed with The Nutcracker last year, I thought I would come down with some kind of permanent verge-of-tears injury. I couldn't be in the same room with him watching ballet for very long.

It's not that I'm upset or easily moved (though I am easily moved). This about-to-cry truly comes out of nowhere. I can get hit with it while not really listening to a radio commercial! I'm not conscious of any particular emotion when it happens. And then, oddest of all, after about 30 seconds, it's gone. Rarely do I shed any actual tears. On a few occasions, I've tried to hang onto the moment, start moving the bread knife, and really cry.

But it never works. I let out an anemic sob or two, but I can't sustain it. This blade has no momentum.

.....................................

10 comments:

Allison the Meep said...

Ahh, the Pregnant Sads. So much touchier than Regular Sads, which are hard enough as it is.

xoxoxoxo, lady.

NOELLE ALOUD said...

That's the weirdest thing: I don't really feel sad. I feel fine...and on the verge of tears!

Allison the Meep said...

I got like that today while listening to Regina Spektor songs. I just wanted to cry and cry and cry. While singing loudly. (ohhhh shiiiiiit. what if I'm pregnant too?!!)

Amber @ Backwards Life said...

I completely understand that weird choked up feeling that never progresses. I get it when I'm not pregnant. I'm not sure if it's a function of my ongoing depression, or if I'm just weirdly sensitive.

While pregnant though, I cry ALL THE TIME. I can ugly cry at nothing, and alone. Honestly....my norm is that I kinda need an "audience" to cry to to get a really good sob out, but I find myself shivering with tears just pouring while alone.

I kinda hope you get your sob, I really like how it feels to get the cries out. Is that weird?

Tara said...

Yep. I am the same way, both pregnant and now still 7 months postpartum. Although instead of holding it in I actually burst into tears. Oh, hormones. Every single time I see that insurance commercial with the dog and that Ray LaMontagne song I lose it. Sometimes it's best just to let it all out even if brought on my something absolutely ridiculous! Take heart that at least RuPaul's Drag Race involves other human beings.

Mama Smith said...

I'm also that way even not pregnant... but I always have been. Whenever I'm talking about something important to me no matter how trivial my voice starts quavering. My husband makes fun of me- it's embarrassing when you're trying to sound smart and debating healthcare and your throat is closing up. At least your not alone in your emotional- ness. We're all there with you!

Jilly said...

I haven't been pregnant, but I've had this exact thing due to hormones. They way I described was that it's the sad equivalent of a hysterical laugh - like some reaction feels like it's going to come flying out without the genuine emotion behind it... but then nothing does and I'm left going, what happened?

Anonymous said...

I have been that way ever since I had my son THREE years ago!! I never cried during sappy movies, during commercials, etc... but now I cry for just about EVERYTHING! I often joke to my husband by saying, "When did I become such a pansy!"

Anonymous said...

Not at all related to pregnancy, but just out of interest, how much vitamin d do you take?

NOELLE ALOUD said...

I take at least 6,000 IU of vitamin D daily. Sometimes closer to 10,000 IU.