Something happened to me after Westley was born. Many things happened to me after Westley was born, but there is a particular thing I still encounter regularly; since learning I was pregnant again, it has only gotten worse. I find myself on the edge of tears without knowing how I got there. There is a semi-permanent lump in my throat.
Except that I rarely cry the way I would like to. The way I feel I should be able to. There's a frustration associated with it, and a missing "push." Like holding a serrated knife to a loaf of bread but not being able to begin "sawing."
The whole thing makes me feel very edgy and vulnerable, like I could collapse at the drop of a hat. I wonder if I might be just a leetle bit depressed, but my mood has been pretty fantastic!(Thanks, I think, to midwife-sanctioned mega-doses of vitamin D.) And anyway, depression isn't usually this ridiculous.
Yesterday I found myself getting choked up over an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race. Nothing particularly moving was happening—just the usual drag queen competition antics—but my chest tightened up and I felt my face go into that pre-cry grimace.
I can't watch any kind of dancing, because humans doing choreography is too much for me. Even stupid music videos make me tear up. When Westley became obsessed with The Nutcracker last year, I thought I would come down with some kind of permanent verge-of-tears injury. I couldn't be in the same room with him watching ballet for very long.
It's not that I'm upset or easily moved (though I am easily moved). This about-to-cry truly comes out of nowhere. I can get hit with it while not really listening to a radio commercial! I'm not conscious of any particular emotion when it happens. And then, oddest of all, after about 30 seconds, it's gone. Rarely do I shed any actual tears. On a few occasions, I've tried to hang onto the moment, start moving the bread knife, and really cry.
But it never works. I let out an anemic sob or two, but I can't sustain it. This blade has no momentum.