This year, for the very first time, I didn't expect to wake up on my birthday feeling different. In fact, my birthday was surprisingly uneventful, and with one very notable exception (the presence of my wonderful friends), a lot like a normal Saturday. We ate some not-so-healthy food. There was lots of sitting around. We watched a movie before bed.
I was a little disappointed that I didn't feel well enough for burlesque and coconut cream pie. And being queasy on your birthday in a non-alcohol-induced way is super lame. But I enjoyed not having any expectations of fanfare, and not feeling pressured to be celebrated.
"I'm happy to make you a cake," Rob offered, but I waved the idea away.
"It doesn't sound good. And sugar seems to make the nausea worse."
I realize now that it was a wonderful lesson in the joy of openly liking what I like. I don't like being the center of the celebration, and this year, because there was no real celebration, I didn't have to be. It's not how a birthday should be, but it's what I like.
It's my party, and I'll skip it if I want to.
I often wonder why it's so difficult for me to just like what I like without being embarrassed or wanting to change. I don't think I'm so shallow as to believe, as Nick Hornby's intimacy-phobic narrator says in High Fidelity, "It's what you like, not what you're like, that counts." Of course our personalities are more important than our personal aesthetics. Of course they are. But I still find myself wishing my preferences and desires were different from what they actually are.
I'm working on this. It seems like a strange thing to work on, but I'm stepping back, reflecting on my real likes and dislikes, and I've made quite a bit of headway since this time last year. I like champagne. I like knee-high boots. I dislike opening Christmas presents. I like going to visit friends, but I dislike traveling. I like recipes with downtime. I dislike birthday parties.
I'm very different from the person I was a year ago. I'm more like myself.
3 Comments:
Love the Berman reference! Self Portrait at 28 is one of my favorite poems of all time.
Being honest about what you actually want instead of what you want to want is an interesting thing. Good for you for acknowledging what genuinely makes you happy (and what doesn't)!
I struggle with being genuine about what I really like as well but I also can never seem to make up my mind. I love a dress, a set of dishes, a TV show... and then I'm over it. I'm trying to work on being faithful to my likes. :)
I think it's so important to stop and really think about what YOU like and enjoy or don't enjoy now and then. It can be easy to get caught up in other things, but when we can really focus in on the things we appreciate I think it can help us feel more like ourselves and more genuine. I'm glad you're birthday was done in your style even if that is not the style of all. :)
-Sara-
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