Epiblogue: The Year of Living Vulnerably

In July, after my second ER visit in five months, I christened 2011 "The Year of Living Vulnerably." It turned out to be a pretty apt description. I have never felt so out of my comfort zone. In fact, I think my comfort zone might have been obliterated, lost in the darkness.

When Cait tagged me to do a New Year's survey, I hesitated—because 2011 was rough, and I don't want to start 2012 in a minor key. But, in a weird way, I'm almost at peace with what a shitty year it was.

It didn't work out between us, 2011, but it's all right. No hard feelings.

* * *

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

I toured preschools, had a miscarriage, sent a thank-you note to a stranger, had a D&C, took a solo taxi ride, left Westley in the care of non-family members, vlogged.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I made no resolutions for 2011. Four days into 2012, and I'm already getting a number of lessons in patience. I'd like to work on that.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Unless my close friends are stellar secret-keepers, no one I know well had a baby. I followed Rebecca's twin pregnancy with much interest (and a touch of envy).

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I never got to meet him, but I feel close to Jack LaLanne.

5. What countries did you visit?

I've never been outside the United States!

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
It's shallow to say a baby, isn't it? I'd like to have more confidence in 2012—which is not to say I had no confidence in 2011. But I think I could do better.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 20 — The hardest day of my life.

June 22 — The D&C.

September 30 — The due date.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I escaped with my marriage and my sense of humor intact!

9. What was your biggest failure?

I let despair get the best of me more than a few times.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

See above.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
At first I read this as "the best thing you thought," which is an unusual and awesomely difficult question. (The answer is, I will be OK, no matter what.) The best thing I bought was a plane ticket to visit my beautiful girlfriends!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
This is worded a bit strangely, isn't it? In any case, Rob, Westley, and I all had our moments.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Rob, Westley, and I all had our moments.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Nerd alert! I am Mistress of Budgetary Awesomeness, so I will give you percentages:

• 37.87% went to "Housing," which includes our mortgage, home repairs and improvements, furniture and appliances, small housewares, and cleaning supplies.
• 18.02% went to "Food," which includes regular groceries, restaurant visits, and special occasion meals.
• 11.12% went to "Transportation," which includes car insurance, car repairs, tires, service for our two cars, license fees, gas, oil, and parking.

Those were our three biggest budget categories for 2011. (The fourth, I'm pleased to say, was "Savings.")

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going on vacation!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Velvet Underground's "Oh! Sweet Nuthin'."

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder?
Sadder, perhaps, but not terribly so.

b) thinner or fatter?
According to my FitDay account, I weigh four pounds more than I did on this date last year. (I would argue that half of that is currently residing in my bra. Regardless of what's going on in my uterus right now, my rack thinks I'm super pregnant.)

c) richer or poorer?
Slightly richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I'd played more.

And I wish I'd taken more pictures.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I spent too much time panicking.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
I spent Christmas morning at home with my little family, opening presents and stockings. In the afternoon, we visited my parents' house for more Christmas presents and to celebrate my grandmother's 85th birthday.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I did! With my partner of six years. (You're usually supposed to do that before you get married. Oh, well.)

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I'm a big fan of "RuPaul's Drag Race."

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I don't think so.

24. What was the best book you read?
I read Portia de Rossi's memoir, Unbearable Lightness, in a day. I couldn't put it down.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I'm not sure I made a "musical discovery," though the idea intrigues me. I like to imagine sitting down at the piano, and magically busting out a bunch of Beethoven or something. Whoa! I'm really good at this, and I had no idea!

26. What did you want and get?
An awesome preschool experience for my little dude.

27. What did you want and not get?
So many things.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I saw a surprising number of new movies in 2011, and while I really wanted to like the Oscar-worthy adult fare, the most enjoyable thing by far was Winnie the Pooh.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my 28th birthday, I made dinner and dessert, got to hear Westley sing "Happy Birthday" for the first time, opened a few presents, and (probably) got pregnant.

We still talk about those cupcakes.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More true relaxation (as opposed to the little "breaks" I sneak in here and there) would have been wonderful.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
High-maintenance hippie.

32. What kept you sane?
Singing loudly in my car.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
It's no secret that I adore Lady Gaga.

(Trigger warning: bulimia, haute couture, raw organ meat, living sculpture, Dadaism.)

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Marriage equality! Rob and I are in the habit of showering together on weekends, and a while ago, we had this conversation:
Me [feigning surprise]: Your parts look really different from mine!
He [totally serious]: And that's why it's legal for us to be married.

Pretty fucking ridiculous, isn't it?

35. Who did you miss?
My girlfriends, my brother, my midwives.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
A couple of the co-op moms are pretty cool, and I loved my yoga teacher, Lisa.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Sometimes you have to stand in the dark to best see the light.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
The best musical summation of last year would probably be instrumental. Maybe some Beethoven.

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