Five Stages of My Cycle

1. Ovulation: Denial — "I'm totally fine having another baby."; "Just because I'm walking around in a slinky little black robe that I let fall open—oops!—in front of my partner doesn't mean I'm ovulating."

2. Post-ovulation week: Anger — "Why me? Rob can get drunk and smoke crack while jumping on a trampoline! But I can't, because I might be pregnant! It's not fair!" (Once denial has disappeared, those who represent freedom to think about and treat their bodies as wholly their own are the enemy. And selfish to boot! If I've ovulated recently, I'm squinting hate at you with your delicious double-tall latte and brand new tattoo. Not that you would know this, of course.)

3. Pre-menstrual week: Bargaining — "Just let me buy the box of pregnancy tests. I won't actually take one."; "Are my tits bigger? Are you sure? But feel them!"

4. Period: Depression — "I'm a failure. What's the point in doing anything?"; "I'm such an idiot for buying those pregnancy tests. How could I ever have thought I was pregnant? I should know better."; "I hate my body."

5. Pre-ovulation week: Acceptance — "It's going to be OK."; "Whatever happens, happens. If we have another child, great. If not, that's fine too. I can't conceive right this minute, so I might as well play extra hard with Westley, and take super-good care of myself." (This is when I check the online due date calculator to figure out, based on the dates for the period that just ended, when a baby conceived this cycle might arrive. I determine that this is would be just fine, whatever, no big deal. If it happens, which it might not, and that's cool. I'm certainly not going to think about it. This cycle is going to be different!)

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