I spent a good chunk of last night looking at pictures of other people's pregnancy tests online. I'm not kidding. (Oh, how I wish I were kidding.)
This was going to be my deep, dark secret. But then it occurred to me that I was pretty hilarious, sneaking around on my own computer, lurking on infertility forums and Fertility Awareness sites. All shifty eyes and fingers at the ready to close my browser should someone come into screen-viewing distance, I might as well have been looking at the Internet's filthiest porn. But no. It was pictures of home pregnancy tests. I'm a pee stick fetishist.
Now you know. And if you stop reading, I'll completely understand.
No one makes an HPT patch yet—you know, something you could slap on your arm when you get the craving for a home pregnancy test. So I guess I thought looking at photos of other people's tests might calm the pregnancy paranoia that scratches around inside my head every few weeks. Also, I was counting on the Internet to remind me, as Rob as so dutifully done for the past few days, that a pregnancy test peed on right now would tell us absolutely nothing. (And even if it were "officially" late enough, a test might not be accurate. I didn't get a positive pregnancy test with Westley until day cycle day 37!)
Which is really to say that it's one thing to say, "No big deal. We'll just have fun and not think about it and if I get pregnant, fine, and if not, fine. It's all good." It's another thing entirely to try to accomplish that. Because while I imagine myself as being this super-calm, serene, whatever happens is cool person, I'm not that AT ALL. If something is going on—especially something in my own body—I want to know about it. I want to know yesterday.
The other thing is that creating the possibility of pregnancy means, well, thinking about it. Not thinking about it could result in medication taken, alcohol enjoyed, vitamins neglected. I've been freezing my ass off in this Pacific Northwest proto-winter, but aren't hot baths strictly off-limits for the newly pregnant?
I see Rob trying to wrap his mind around my preganioa and failing. I'd like to think it's biology that's the problem—he's never had a uterus—and not that my behavior is wholly incomprehensible. However, he has the decency not to laugh at my lunacy.
Not to my face, anyway.
5 comments:
I'm with ya babe! When I was testing super duper early this last time (you saw my crazy amounts of dated tests LOL) I stalked the early test strip pictures like crazy. How light of a line was a real line? Was that just me imagining things? Did I wait too long and just get a false pos with the evaporation line? Yeah...I get your crazy :-)
If this is your deep, dark secret, then mine is hoarding dollar store pregnancy tests and early pregnancy tests and taking like 5 a day when we were trying to have a second baby. And then when it didn't turn pink, even when I knew it wouldn't because the timing was wrong to be taking a test, I'd get super morose and cry and lament that I would NEVER be pregnant again, and that Julian was bound to be an only child, and I was failing him miserably as a parent. Denying him of a sibling, and failing to grow another human.
In other words, I was a mother effing lunatic. And I am lucky enough to have a partner who didn't scold me or tell me I was crazy, but just stayed calm and supportive.
The short waiting period (period,ha! pun kind of intended!!) up until you find out if you are or aren't pregnant is the longest time in the entire world, and makes you crazier than the entire Manson Family. You know, except without the weird ritualistic killings and stuff.
Heh.
Very early in my pregnancy I took several negative tests simply because I couldn't help myself. Especially when trying to conceive those obsessive feelings are completely normal! Pregnancy is such a game changer in so many aspects of your life that it's natural to want to know asap. No worries, lady. I see no loony bins in your future!
I'm glad I'm not the only one. Having long cycles leaves lots of time for obsessing. When most women are hoping for a pregnancy test around day 30, I'm still waiting for a positive opk, so I tend to test with those two times a day and compare the results to online sites hoping I'm reading them wrong.
First of all, best post title ever! Second of all, we have the same kind of crazy. I don't need to write my own blog anymore (which I don't apparently) because you can just do it for me. I will be starting fertility drugs soon, so my crazy is about to amp right up.
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