Friday, July 29, 2011

On the Lamb

Remember when I asked you to suggest some temporary birth control to get me through the next few weeks months whatever? I considered all of your input very carefully. ("Pull and pray"? Really, guys? I know science agrees with you, but this would make me absolutely crazy. I would think I was pregnant all the time.) In the end, I decided to get myself some non-latex condoms.

And when I say non-latex, I mean MADE OF ANIMAL PARTS.

On the Lamb
For YOUR animal parts.

I can only imagine the box copy being read by Seth Rogan. It says "Natural Skin Condoms," which just makes me think of that line of his in Knocked Up: "You think I'm a fucking inventor? I made a dick-skin condom?"

Interestingly, lambskin condoms aren't actually made of lamb skin, as the bold text on the little packets hints.

On the Lamb

That "natural membrane"—which sounds terribly sexy, doesn't it?—is actually sheep intestine.

This is the paragraph where I say yes, I know they're not vegan. So not vegan. This is also the paragraph leading up to the paragraph where I say I don't care that they're not vegan.

What goes on my body affects me differently than what goes in it. Because I make this distinction, I don't call myself a vegan, usually; I say I eat a vegan diet. (Although even that has some gray area to it. The pink stuff that's moisturizing my lips right now almost certainly contains bee products or bug parts or both, and they say you ingest a significant portion of the lipstick you apply. I'm actually vaguely curious to know how much non-vegetarian lip product I've inadvertently consumed over the years.) I own a couple pairs of fancy leather boots that I adore, and I plan to wear them and care for them for the rest of my life. Perhaps I will pass them on to a deserving, similar-sized granddaughter. They're really quite nice.

Of course, lambskin condoms are not like leather goods in the longevity sense. (I was always mildly offended when the health teacher would tell us never to reuse a condom, because, really?! First of all...HOW!? Machine wash on delicate, reshape and lay flat to dry? Top rack of the dishwasher?) Because lambskin condoms are recognizably, well, natural, they seem to exist in a weird animal-product limbo, right on the line between food and fashion statement. Still, they have a few things going for them. Like being biodegradable!

Oh, and feeling UH-MAY-ZING.

I figured you were probably curious about that.

So this is the paragraph where I describe the non-vegan sex! Using horny naked person logic, at first my partner in crime and I decided to try a new position to go with our new birth control. Focusing on logistics meant the effect of having a "natural" barrier between us wasn't terribly noticeable. But in an old, familiar position, the difference between lambskin and latex was obvious immediately. As in, the lambskin condom was totally NOT obvious. While latex condoms have a habit of making actual dude-parts feel like rubber sex toys, lambskin condoms just feel like skin. Because they are.

I was warned by the Internet that "natural" would mean a lingering "barnyard" aroma. They don't. They're lubricated, so they smell like lube. They are quite a bit slimier than their latex brethren, and when you open up the package, the condom doesn't stand up in a neat little tipi for you. You have to find the tip, confirm that you're not holding the condom inside out, and then negotiate getting it on. So to speak. Once the condom is in place, however, all is well and wonderful. As Rob put it, "I am pro this -phylactic."

For the record, I didn't do a taste-test. One of the advantages to being in a long-term, monogamous relationship with a disease-free person is never having to go down on the Michelin man.

My only real complaint with lambskin condoms is the little packet. The wrappers seem thicker than the ones on most latex condoms. I don't know what they're made of, but it is impenetrable when slippery! With clean, dry fingers? No problem. But if your hands are even the tiniest bit slick, good luck getting the packet open easily! Better to plan and open it ahead of time.

Also? They're mega-pricey.

On the Lamb
You KNOW it's personal, Rite Aid.

While a 12-pack of your standard latex condoms goes for about $12.00, a 12-pack of lambskins cost me $46.85 at my local drugstore. Or almost $4.00 each. About the same as the (non-latex!) female condom—which are not made of animal parts, but do look like they're from outer space.

For the time being, not getting pregnant, not having a nasty reaction, and feeling awesome is totally worth the expense. And worth having sheep intestine in my pussy every time I have sex.

Which, as non-squeamish as I am, does ick me out just a teeny bit. Rob's realization doesn't help:

"It's like cock haggis."

And nothing says "sexy" to a vegan food-eater like haggis.



Ellie said...

Sheep intestine is far less irritating than tree sap. Would the radical right agree it is better to have sex involving sheep parts or tree parts? I go with the less allergic one.

Love! (by the way my word verification for this post is an anagram of lovely, which you are).

Belle said...

I am not vegan by any means but I am rather sensitive and while I do not have a latex allergy, I am none too pleased with latex condoms. After reading your review on these lovely (not lambskin) Natural Lambskin condoms, I got excited for a minute. I was ready to run out and buy a box and introduce my partner to the Holy Grail of condoms...until I saw the price. Holy hell that's a lot of money to pay for the insides of a sheep!

Amanda said...

We tried them out for our first post-baby romp in the hay. Normally I HATE condoms. They leave me feeling irritated, both physically and emotionally because, well, condoms do dull the sensation. At least for me.

BUT! Lambskins were not too shabby! Except the price of course, which my partner immediately balked at until I said "vou le vou coucher avec moi OR NOT?!" And he shut up. Because men tend to like getting laid, bargain hunters or not!

Baby in Broad said...

Even with shipping, they're quite a bit less expensive online. (Wish I'd known!) About $30.00/12 pack—which is still nothing to sneeze at, I know.

Allison the Meep said...

"Cock haggis" = lolz for DAYS.


Cock haggis. Excellent. I am a non-vegan person who HATES condoms with and passionate hateful hatred. So, I am intrigued. Next time I want to call the goalie back in I might dress him up like haggis. Thanks for the review. Plus you said pussy. Kind of awesome.

PS: The vegan thing. Did you once love cheese? Do you miss it?

Baby in Broad said...

I love the word pussy. Pussy is one of the best slang words we've got going for our ladyparts, I think. It seems to encompass all the bits and pieces nicely, plus it's fun to say.

I was fine with cheese—never passionate about it the way some are. I don't miss it. These days, most cheese strikes me as pretty vile.

Tara said...

We are a pro-condom household and used them religiously until deciding that we wanted to conceive. I personally have never had a problem with irritation, but after going au natural during my pregnancy (obviously) I have become quite accustomed to the feeling and worry that switching back to a latex barrier won't be super enjoyable. I would love to try these if only they weren't so expensive, but it is good to know that they are much cheaper if purchased online. Maybe I'll indulge and purchase them for our first post-baby romp. Hmmm....

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry but does no-one find it disgusting that you have the intestines of a sheep in your body and that your man basicaly f***s a sheep in the a** while you're doing it?? This is the grossest thing I've read in a very long time...