I had a little meltdown this weekend. The combined weight of trying to heal (I'm still bleeding, two weeks later), resume my physical therapy in earnest, diet, get enough sleep, and give Westley something like a normal schedule not involving countless hours of TV just flattened me.
The thing that hurt the most was the realization that I am a sick person.
I think of "being sick" as having a cold, the flu. Something acute. It has struck me before, but didn't really sink in until a few days ago that I have been sick since Westley was born. I've been sick for over three years.
I have new, unexplained food sensitivities. I have new, unexplained pain. I am in pain every single day of my life, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I have pain doing totally normal things, like loading the dishwasher. I almost burst into tears recently in the library parking lot, because I was in so much pain I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get Westley into his car seat.
A year and a half ago, I was paying out of pocket for physician-prescribed physical therapy. My goal wasn't even to be pain-free. It was to be able to lower Westley into his crib without feeling like I was going to collapse.
I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I'm writing out of astonishment - that I could let myself be this sick for this long. That rather than pitch a fit in the doctor's office, demanding a diagnosis and a pain-free life, I've gotten used to being sick. I've let 60% become the new 100%. I talk about things like "normal pain."
Really? Normal pain? It's not normal for a (seemingly healthy) 28-year-old woman to be in pain while getting dressed or cooking dinner. Or even just lying down.
"I'm tired of being sick all the time!" I cried to my mom.
"It seems to me that when you don't feel well, you think it's 'all the time,'" she observed. "You don't think like this when you're feeling well."
"I haven't felt well in over four months!" I snapped.
"Well, no one feels completely well during their first trimester!" she said. "And now, having to recover from this...event-"
She went on to hypothesize that a lot of what I'm feeling right now is fallout from the huge hormone shifts involved in being pregnant and then being not-pregnant.
But pregnancy hormones don't even come close to explaining everything else that's going on. My new physical therapist tells me my pelvis is out of alignment, and my core muscle strength is practically non-existent. (And she's helping me work on both of these things, but progress is snail's-pace slow.) However, that doesn't explain the food sensitivities, which seem to get more unpredictable all the time.
The bottom line: I have no idea what's going on with me, health-wise. And miscarrying has just complicated that. But it is absolutely not right to be sick all the time.
So today, I refuse to be a sick person. I don't really know what that means. Only that I will no longer accept 60% as "whole."