Four times a year, my alma mater publishes its Alumnae Quarterly. So four times a year, I get a message in my inbox inviting me to send in an "update" that details my current goings-on.
I almost never know how to respond to these invitations. When Westley was born, it was easy; I sent in the "I had a baby! Here are his stats!" update. But most the the updates are from alumnae living in such-and-such a city, doing important-and-or-interesting work for such-and-so a company, and seeing fellow alumna So-and-So on a regular basis. Now that I'm not working, not changing cities, and not doing anything particularly interesting, I feel like I have nothing to contribute.
Noelle continues to live in the Seattle area with her husband and son.
Woo-hoo.
I struggle with the emotional push-pull of trying to believe that what I'm doing really is important, while knowing that the world doesn't give a shit.
Why is having a job and making money somehow better and more interesting than making a home and raising a child? (Because we all got together as a society and decided that money is the shit, and if you're not making any, you don't matter?) Why is this work perceived as so valueless - even by those who do it willingly?
Noelle is putting off finding a preschool for her son, because she feels grossly unqualified to shop for preschools, and probably can't afford a decent one anyway.
So I'm not working, not interning somewhere cool, not teaching abroad. I'm not studying to be anything. I'm not sure I want to be doing any of those things, and yet, I feel less than because I'm not doing them. And because my "job" comprises so many things that employed, earning, interesting women have to do also, at the end of their workdays.
Noelle is staring down a mountain of clean laundry that is actually last week's laundry, because it's impossible to fold laundry while the kid is awake, and in the evenings, by the time Noelle cooks a nutritious dinner, cleans up the kitchen, attempts to enforce a bedtime routine, sings three-to-five pop songs as lullabies, cleans up the kitchen again, showers, and has a three-to-five-minute conversation with her husband, it's time to go to bed and there is never any time to fold laundry ever.
On one hand, I feel like ignoring this idea of alumnae updates is the best policy. No one outside of my small circle of college friends really cares whether I'm married, homemaking, child-rearing, or anything else. On the other hand, by leaving the updating to the lawyers and doctors and world-travelers, I perpetuate the notion - to myself and anyone else who might be paying attention - that "no career" is synonymous with "not worthwhile."
Noelle writes a blog where she occasionally navel-gazes into her feminist dilemma.
6 comments:
I struggled a lot with the feeling that being a mom was worthless when I lived in L.A. There, you're nobody unless you're in the entertainment industry. An actor. And size 2.
But then I noticed the women who had nannies raising their children. I'm not going to make a sweeping judgment and say that those kids were horrible because they were raised by strangers. Some of those children were very nice. My husband was raised by nannies, sadly. But the moms didn't get to see their babies grow up. Some of those women didn't even need nannies. They weren't going to any jobs. They were going shopping, and spending tons of money, and then complaining about how hard their lives were and how stressed out they were. WTF.
I think being a stay at home mom is the best job I've ever had. And one day, I'll get back in the work force and start making some cash. But until then, I'm so happy to be having this time with my two favorite little people. Because it goes by SO fast. I need it to slow down.
Recent experience in LA. Went to get my hair cut at one of those generic salons. The first few minutes were a fairly nice social exchange including what I might like to have done to my hair. Once we got past that and were into the requsite conversation the "stylist" 20-something gay man asked me, "And what do you do?" My response, accompanied by smile of genuine happiness, (most days I like my current "job") "I'm home with my children."
For the rest of the 15+ minutes it took this "professional" do finish my cut were spent in total silence. Apparently I am a non-entity, not worth conversing with!
Why do we not value child-rearing and then bitch about the way children are turning out? It's a mystery to me.
Ohh this is such a hard one for me too. I used to have a career that was on the fast track to somewhere other then Poopville. I worked lots of overtime and loved it. I lived for that high of meeting an urgent deadline. I was so proud of myself for getting so far along in my field in only five years.
I love being home with my boys most of the time, and I know this is some important shit, but I also miss that other career-driven, independent, young, motivated, coffee-drinking girl.
I find myself grasping at her when people ask "what do you do?" I used to be a consultant! I tell them, after I see the look they give right after I tell them I take care of my two boys.
Thankfully I am surrounded by amazing stay-at-home moms and working moms that know what it's like and don't even care what I used to do. They think what I'm doing now is rad. And I think what you are doing now is rad. So congrats on your career path for this moment! It's an excellent investment in your little guy's future.
Well, The first few minutes were a fairly nice social exchange including what I might like to have done to my hair.
N, why don't you use the Quarterly as a shout-out to other cool, talented ladies living in the vicinity? There might be some potential mom-friends feeling the same way who would read the update and get in touch. eh?
Post a Comment