I was having one of those mother-daughter conversations where I think out loud about my life and she offers sage advice. But this time, for some reason, the support wasn't feeling supportive.
"I wish I could help," my mother kept saying. "What would help?"
My mind was blank, as is often the case when someone asks what would help. When the answer occurred to me in a moment of cartoon-lightbulb insight, I felt suddenly apologetic. "Well...I wish I had a friend."
I feel like such an asshole saying I don't have any friends, because it's not true. I have a generous handful of lovely friends. They're fantastic people...who live very far away and don't have babies. Which is not to say they can't be supportive. But I guess much as I'm embarrassed to admit it, I really want a "mom friend."
I keep having these fantasies about meeting another late-twenties mother of a late-twos kid for (gluten-free, vegan) lunch. We compare notes on potty-training and thrift-store fashion while our pre-preschoolers play with Brio and manage not to throw trains at each other. We go on "dates" to used book stores and together develop a really badass recipe for raw vegan cheesecake.
Of course I know that my perfect "match" will probably always remain a fantasy. But when I scan the parks and play spaces for potential pals, I start feeling like an old maid in the world of mom friendships. If I were going to find someone, I reason, I would've found her by now.
For some reason, I find making friends all but impossible. I had to move 3,000 miles away from home - alone - and live in the high-stress fishbowl of college housing in order to make friends. (Shared coping is the friendship equivalent of an aphrodisiac.) Furthermore, the phenomenon I observed over a year ago - Seattle-area moms travel in tightly-knit sororities - is still going strong. And I'm the single girl wondering why all the good ones are taken.
On a recent gloomy day, I took Westley to an indoor play area to burn off some energy. I ushered him into the little toy "corral" and found myself an empty chair. Just as I was about to take a seat, a woman blocked me.
"I'm actually meeting a friend...if it's not a problem..." She indicated the chair, as though I was crazy for not having read the invisible RESERVED sign.
"Oh, sure," I said, hauling my bag of kid-crap to the other side of the play space, chip firmly on shoulder. Thinking, Actually, it's a huge problem.
* * *
Do you have "mom (or dad) friends"? How did you meet them? Are they your platonic soul mates or just people you put up with so that you don't have to go on this parenthood journey alone, all alone? Is it just me? (I'm unfriendable, aren't I?) I am this close to putting an ad on Craigslist, even though it seems intensely creepy. Are there online not-exactly-dating services for stay-at-home parents?
12 comments:
When I lived in L.A., I had no friends. I was horribly lonely and all I wanted was a friend who I could relate to. It didn't happen for me though, so I learned how to be okay as a loner because I had no other options.
I have friends now in this new town, because I feel like the women here are more real and more relatable. They're not all trying to be perfect actresses who have maids and nannies to watch their children all day while they shop, like the women I'd meet in L.A.
And your idea of a playdate sounds like pretty much the coolest thing ever. I just bought a book this last week that's new to me and has me very very excited about food again, and I totally thought of you when I bought it. It's "Raw Food Essentials" by Ani Phyo. All vegan, gluten-free, soy-free awesomeness. It's kind of an expensive book from a regular bookstore, but of course I got it used for $3. Heh.
I feel the same way. I am 28 (almost 29 ugh) and I know NO ONE with kids. I moved from PHX to PDX about 5 years ago and I have had serious trouble finding any friends...let alone a "mom friend." I actually did put an ad on craigslist when my son was about 5 months old. I went on a few awkward mom-dates but I just didn't relate to anyone. It left me feeling really unfriendable, for sure. So, you are not alone in your aloneness.
I love you, and have felt the same way about making friends. I just have different criteria. Mmmmm, who's the only single one of us left?
Love,
Sarah
I have one friend who I have had since pre-school. I only talk to her every couple months, she lives 4 hours away. I sometimes feel lonely and want friends but with stupid anxiety and depression I have a hard time keeping up on friendships. I
First off, I love your blog. I don't remember how I found it but I love it.
I feel very similiar. No kids yet, not for lack of trying. I grew up in Kirkland actually. I went to a life changing school in England for a year when I was 20, and when I came back I couldn't relate all that well to my friends from high school, and my friends from school in England are scattered around the World. I then moved in with my boyfriend, now husband, and quit the Capitol Hill scene, so those friends are still on the other side of the lake perpetually drunk. Now working at Microsoft and hating my job, which saps my energy to make new friends. I hoping in making new friends at the Doula classes I'm going to take and then change careers to become a Doula and get pregnant. Although, making friends is really hard for me, I'm very much a Seattlite introvert. My husband is amazing at it, everyone knows his name (waitress, baristas, people who work at Macys, etc). After 4 years, I'm still surprised how easily he makes friends. So, you're not the only one feeling friendless in Seattle.
-Kaylie
I can sympathize. I hang out with... my husband. And a handful of friends I had pre-husband/pre-baby who are now also husbanded/babyfied. But it's not the same as it once was. Which is why I've turned to the internet. ;-)
I met my mom friends at various spaces... a birth center float during the ski to sea parade, a friend of a friend and yes, birth class- but making them was hard. Felt like courting them and weird platonic dating. But finally we cracked the shells and are becoming legit (90's?) friends. We all have kids in the same age range and are all in generally the same age group (24-31) were frank about getting annoyed with our kids and needing (and getting, sometimes) professional (therapy) help.
I live in Bellingham and get down to Seattle pretty often. Our kids aren't the same age but it sounds like yours likes Parks and mine likes to watch kids play at parks. We could meet for coffee and a park date some day (no really, not even just saying this) if that isn't too creepy.
Are you thinking of doing a preschool? Coop is often a good way to go for meeting other Mom's. Edmonds CoOp is pretty wonderful (my Mom's the teacher.) and seems like a good community.
Good luck Mama.
I'm so glad you posted this. I've wished for a great friend most of my adult life and at age 32 I finally met her. It is great! I meet her through meetup.com. They have tons of differant groups you can join. There's moms groups, vegan groups, etc. If you don't see one that seems like a fit for you, start your own. I feel like the other people in our meet up group have the same feelings. They joined to make new friends & find a connection with people like minded.
The co-op is also a great idea. I had a great experience with a preschool co-op. Lots of involved parents that aren't so mainstream.
If I lived in Seattle, I'd be your friend in a heartbeat! There's nothing better then vegan lunches, park playdates & thrift store scores!
Good luck, Noelle!
I would suggest yahoo groups for your hood. I found almost all of my mom and dad friends that way. It was suggested to me with baby #1 and I was totally skeptical but in a city of 8 million people we need a way to connect.
I would be lost without my mom and dad gang. We keep each other sane, watch each other's kids, bring food after babies are born and help each other any way we can. I feel pretty lucky with my crew.
I also feel lucky living here because I am surrounded by super cool people with kids. We are all artists, musicians, writers, etc. and it makes it easy to find people to hang with.
You definitely need mom/dad friends, good luck!
I could have written this down to the vegan recipes! All my friends are pretty much childless. I just find it hard to believe that I'm going to find someone who I like a ton and who has a kid that my kid's going to be crazy about. Maybe my daughter and I are too picky. 'Course it's not like we have had a ton of opportunities. Luna starts preschool next year...maybe then?
And THIS is why I love the Internet! I would "mom-date" all of you if I could!
Preschool is definitely in our future...as soon as I get my act together and find a good one. I'll definitely check out co-op preschools (starting with Autumn's rec - thanks, mama!).
Totally have this same problem. I actually blogged about it about a month ago (http://www.tankertracks.com/2010/08/post-depression.html)
I have done everything I can think of... order mommy cards, join EVERY mom group I can find (seriously... I am currently going to like 6 meetings a week). I have yet to find "the one" but I have met a few that I am starting to "see" more regularly.
I think it is a slow, slow process. I wish I lived in Seattle, because I would totally be your friend! Not vegan, but I totally committed to real food (http://www.tankertracks.com/2010/08/definingdefending-myself.html)
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