I woke up this morning already pissed off. For no particular reason, either. Except, of course, that it's only Tuesday, and I have to spend all day with a tantrum-happy toddler, and Rob gets to leave and go to work, and what the hell am I doing as a stay-at-home mother anyway!?
After a walk with Westley in the stroller and a zucchini muffin and some serious introspection, I was able to remind myself that everything is temporary, including my feelings of piss-offed-ness and frustration. And then I made an odd discovery: There is a distinct similarity between the five stages of grief and my weekly relationship to stay-at-home motherhood. It stacks up remarkably well:
- Monday: Denial — "I'm totally fine staying home."; "This can't be happening — not to me." (True denial doesn't actually last very long. These thoughts are often lead to an acute sense of the ways in which life would be different if I were working.)
- Tuesday: Anger — "Why me? Rob gets to go to work! It's not fair!" (Once denial is firmly out of the picture, anyone who represents freedom or financial independence, or anyone whose feelings about stay-at-home parenting are less ambivalent than mine is the enemy! If I'm going to get into a fight with my mom where I say something hurtful like, "Well, I'm sorry I don't love being a mom like you do," it's probably going to be on a Tuesday.)
- Wednesday: Bargaining — "Just let me make it through the afternoon without losing it."; "I'll do anything for a few more minutes to myself."
- Thursday: Depression — "Leaving the house is too much effort. I just want to go back to bed."; "I'm not advancing my career or contributing to the finances, so what's the point in doing anything?"; "I hate this 'job'."
- Friday: Acceptance — "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight being a stay-at-home parent right now, so I might as well buckle down and kick ass at it." (This is when the DIY-er inside me comes out. I start making lists, plans, schedules. Suddenly, I have goals for the weekend beyond "try to get some rest." Next week is going to be different!)
I'm kind of surprised I didn't uncover this earlier.
Obviously, this convenient "stages" approach way over-simplifies my mental process, if you can call it that. Most of the time, it's less of a step-by-step plan and more like a tame, kiddy roller-coaster that makes me feel sick to my stomach anyway. Maybe the reality of my life-situation is just sinking in a little deeper as Westley gets closer to two and I continue to feel distant from the girl I was before becoming a mother. Or maybe I'm focusing more on my mental state now that I'm closer to being physically healthy again. But the bottom line is: I don't know anyone who feels this ambivalent about staying home.
I know that this life is — more or less — my choice. I just wish I liked my choice a little better.
8 comments:
What was your life like before you were a stay at home mom? What kind of career did you have? Sometimes I forget that we were all once other things before we were parents.
I think that the first 2 years of Julian's life were REALLY difficult for me in feeling like a valuable member of society. Going from a cool job doing sound editing in the film industry to only interacting with a toddler all day long was a hard transition to make. Especially since our society views unpaid work as not valuable.
I always have to remember that the grass is always greener. I hate my job. I hate waking my little girl up in the morning and dragging her out to the grandparents' house. I hate how she says mama over and over and reaches for me as I pull down the driveway. And, I only work part time. Most of those mornings involve me driving to work crying. I know it's hard; I've had days with her where I can't wait for my husband to come home. But, honestly, those are all better than the days I spend at work. And, talk about time....there's never enough time to do anything. I envy that your family is financially stable enough for one parent to stay home. And, coming from someone who had a stay-at-home mom, Westley will appreciate it and you more than you can imagine. 'Course he might not show it til he has his own children, but it'll come! Take a deep breath and try to allocate alone time on the weekend!
Don't worry, you're not the only one who feels that way. As Westley grows up and you make more mom friends you'll see that SO MANY of us are ambivalent. I mean, yeah, I chose this, I appreciate that I have the luxury of staying home with my kids, homeschooling, all of that, but that doesn't mean that I don't sometimes (often) wish it away.
I second and third everyone else's comments. I've been going through similar angst. I wonder if it has anything to do with increasing baby independence and the paradoxical needing us more and less simultaneously that has brought this on right now.
I dunno... but I just commented on another blog today about similar feelings about "contributing" to the family financially and all I can say is you ARE contributing financially. You don't have to pay for anyone to cook, shop, clean, teach, or do childcare. Just to name a few. Nor do either of you have to do it after having already worked a full day. I'm just guessing here, as to the order of things in your house, but there it is.
It's a tough balance, for sure. I'm more ok with the stay at home thing than I am with the who the hell am I part. Still working on that.
You really summed up my week. Sunday nights are the worst though...the weekend is over, and the help (aka Peter) is going back to work for the week.
I have been over and over these same thoughts (both the thoughts you describe and those that your very clever readers have chipped in) in my mind the last six years of parenting, and what I've finally come to is this-children need to have a parent or a similar figure around all the time when they are young. Also, despite the downsides of being home with a child (most of which have to do with the circumstances of modern parenthood and are not part and parcel of parenthood at all, or at least they don't have to be) mothers have a need to be with their young children. Child care can work well, but it's not the same as having mom or dad around for the child, and it really robs the mom of the time and interaction she needs to be able to see herself as an able and fit parent. This whole bit about SAHM's not being important b/c we don't earn money or build an impressive CV is all cultural and therefore reflective of passing trends and not fundamental truths.
The truth is that the hard work we do every day-the teaching and caring for and raising of tomorrow's adults-is tremendously important. Not necessarily more important than managing high finance across multiple time zones, or international diplomacy, or doctors without borders, but Just As Important. The importance of the work we are doing now will not be evident until Westley and all of our other children are running the world in 30- or 40-something years, and that's why our fast-paced, instant-gratification geared culture doesn't get it. But we as mothers have to know in our hearts how important the nurturing of children is, and whether we love it or hate it, it is our job right now and we might as well do the best we can at it. So go out there and play with your kids, let the dust bunnies rule the floors, and have fun!
OK-lecture over for now ;-)
(Liesl steps down off of her soap box...)
I was a SAHM 30 years ago. On one rare afternoon when I got a couple of hours to myself I went to the "beauty salon" as we called them in those days. After some very pleasant chit-chat with the hair dresser he asked me "and what do you do?" I answered that I was "at home with my children." Well, you never felt the temperature drop in a room so fast in your life! I don't think he had one more thing to say to me the entire rest of the appointment, except of course to tell me how much I owed him. So sad that things have not changed at all. SAHM's have such an important job to do, but how can ANYONE fight the, let alone embrace, the ambivalence I think we/you all feel when the job is so scandalously undervalued by the culture!
I work three days a week and I feel ambivalent about my situation, too. I love my job but every day I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Should I just quit and stay home? Shouldn't I just be happy that I don't work FULL time? Etc etc. Don't know if that helps, but I'm with everyone else here in thinking that it's totally normal to be unsure and undecided.
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